OSM OneThe Glitch
by Mairemor
Summary: Prequel to OSM II. Jason Stackhouse learns a lesson when he lies about his personality on S-Harmony--the Supe version of E-Harmony. Dark Elf girlfriend, Danni, pays him back in spades while Eric & Sookie play Dear Abby


**A/N **_**The characters are the sole property of Ms. Harris. I hope she doesn't mind me taking them out to play. This is the Lazarus fic that my FF program ate and my son's brilliant , computer literate buddy Kaleb, pulled out of the memory of my dead lappy. Kaleb, I owe you fealty!**  
_

_O_SM!

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But always there was one unbidden guest

Who cursed the child and left it bitterness.

The fire falls asunder, all is changed,

I am no more a child, and what I see

Is not a fairy tale, but life, my life. ("A Fairy Tale" Amy Lowell)

The "oh shit moment" happened about a week after Jason had lost interest in Danni a cute, 4' 10" supe who had been his latest spring fling. Danni was a sweet little piece of ass. She had amazing stamina and her sword swallowing techniques had blown him away literally and figuratively. But Danni was clingy and wanted to be with him every effing hour that he wasn't working. She'd said that she was an elf, not a fairy. Whatever. The girl could do some things in the sack that were just not humanly possible. But, after his nasty separation from Crystal, he wanted to have fun, period, and Danni wanted much, much more than that. Danni had looked at the pictures and read the testimonies of Supes who were happily mated. She wanted all that S-Harmony, the online Supe dating site, promised. And according to the compatibility screenings, Jason Stackhouse, were panther, and world-class man-whore, was her forever mate.

He'd met her through S-Harmony. Not that he bought the whole "Mate for Life" thing. So, of course, he answered some of the questions, like not wanting children, honestly, and others like how he handled his finances and what kind of date he enjoyed in a way that would attract the most tail. They had a few fan-fucking-tastic weeks, and then she cried out those three little words while he was bucking up against her from behind. The next day she'd called him and he'd told her he was painting his house, then working late, by midweek he was down with a bug. Danni refused to take the hint.

Thursday she showed up at the house. Jason had spent as little time at home as possible for the past few days, but Danni managed to turn up just as he was getting out of his truck. She was slender with high firm breasts, and short dark hair. When he'd first met her, Jason though she had the big eyes and innocent sexiness of a Eureka Seven anime heroine. Her opalescent eyes were glowing slightly now and her pouty lips were compressed into a grim slash.

Jason backed up a step, second guessed himself and stepped forward, a sexy smile playing across his face. When it came to women, charm had always been his first line of defense.

"Hey Baby, looking good!"

Danni's crossed her arms, "Not good enough apparently, Baby. Who was that girl you met up with in Shreveport last night when you were so sick?"

Jason's charming smiled vanished. He hadn't told anyone about Jeanette, not even Hoyt. Danni's fingertips were shooting off sparks.

"Don't even try to lie to me Jason Stackhouse!" Danni hissed, "I have ways of finding things out. You are so totally screwed! When I'm through with you you'll be begging me to be a part of your life—"

She spread her hands apart and the red and blue sparks flared as if her fingertips were the world's most impressive sparklers. She began to walk toward him slowly…" You lied on your survey. " One slender sparkling finger tip tapped his chest. "You-lied-to-me! Pay back starts now!"

She smiled wickedly " Hope you've seen the movie Fatal Attraction! Because that bitch ain't got nothing on me!"

Jason yelped and batted at a bright, sparking web that flared around him then vanished. He breathed a sigh of relief. Danni was also gone. That was good right? He could go inside, lock the door, get a brew, scratch his balls, and watch a Saints game on ESPN.

But when he flopped down with his beer and hit the remote, the only thing that popped up in the screen was his S-Harmony post from the Straight & Single section, completely boldfaced by "**LIES, LIES, LIES!" ** He did feel a bit sheepish as he perused his resume:

I lead a relatively conservative life.

My mind is my best attribute. (_what's an attribute ??)_

I need the natural beauty of Louisiana's outdoors to recharge my emotional batteries. (_ in a deer blind waiting to bag Bambi)_

Really enjoy driving my truck to a remote campsite. "(_Well, that one's sort of true."_)

I love Sci-Fi and action films, but I am bored to tears by most organized sports. (_" First part's mostly true…" _

I have deeply held moral beliefs. I am polite, respectful, and well mannered. (_huh?_)

I am passionate about what I like and believe ("_True," _he thought, "_I like to fuck and I believe in fucking_.")

I am very affectionate, both emotionally and physically (_"Um, half a credit there…")_

I love honest and open communication, and need to share my thoughts. ("_! And my thought is say what you need to say to bag some hot Supe ass...")_

I am very frugal. (_"'I'm tight with the bucks, so no lie there!")_

Jason read the list again and tried changing the channel, no luck.

Waves of righteous indignation swept over him.

"Three and a bit out of ten ain't bad, and we had a great time. We might still be having fun, if Danni hadn't gone all psycho. What the _hell is_ that crazy bitch's beef?"

After trying several times to change channels, Jason gave up. Then, he flipped through a _Hustler_, finished his beer, and went to bed.

The next morning at work, all of the guys, and Hoyt in particular, were giving him funny looks.

Hoyt sidled up to him, shaking his head as if a tragedy had occurred, "Man Buddy, I never would have thought…I can't believe it!"

"Believe what?" Jason asked through a mouth full of doughnut.

"That interview you did last night for that Gay, Lesbian, Trans talk show in Shreveport! That interview you posted on that _Ambush_ site online. What the fuck buddy? Did Crystal twist your nuts so hard you decided to start packin' fudge?"

Jason's mouth flew open, half masticated doughnut still visible, " Are you nuts? I was home last night watchin' the Saints game…"

Hoyt just stared at him. "There're pictures of you on this website talking to the announcer! The interview's online too. You could have told me, man. And you've got an ad in the local personals lookin' for guys to date. "

When they broke for lunch, Jason drove back to his house. Newspapers from Monroe, Bon Temps, and Shreveport were neatly stacked on his front step along with a note written with gold ink in impeccable calligraphy—"Check the personals (same info's online) xxxooo. Oh, and be sure watch the Gossip Gals tonight on WSUP—juicy story!"

He opened the Monroe paper to the personals and groaned, "Shit, shit, shit!" In the gay/lesbian/transgender section was an ad bordered by cupids for god sake. It fairly screamed, "FINALLY! OUT AND ABOUT! LARGE AND IN CHARGE! LOOKING FOR SOME HOT ACTION WITH THE MAN OF MY DREAMS! Delilah ." The notice actually gave his e-mail address (How the hell had _that happened_?)

Fuck! If he ever got his hands on Danni he would—what ?_ That_ was a stumper. He wanted to kill her, but apparently she was out to get him—and she was _so_ much better at this game than he was! His rep with the women would be totally shot if this kept up. Damn was he pissed! Somewhere in the back of his mind he heard a mocking voice—_"Not quite bowled over yet, cher? Just wait; you'll get there!"_

By that night the interview was online. There sat Jason cross dressed, and looking pretty hawt in a long blond wig, push up bra, false eyelashes and well-applied make-up. His legs and eyebrows had been waxed, and it looked like he was wearing one of his sisters sun dresses accompanied by kick ass, red, screw me heels. Sweet Jesus!

The lanky Supe with the platinum beaufont do, leaned in and patted Jason In Drag's hand, and nodded sympathetically.

"It must have been very hard for you growing up, suppressing all of these urges. And by the way, Delilah, beautiful nails."

Jason In Drag nodded and dabbed at his eyes. Well at least he looked better than Tammy Faye Baker!

"You're so right Chrissie, and denying my true nature as hard as I have, has just torn me apart." Jason In Drag sniffled, "You just can't imagine the toll it's taken on me! But I'm out in the open now and proud of my true identity"

The studio audience burst into applause.

"Having such a famous sister, how do you think she'll take the news, Delilah?" Jason in drag faced the screen,

"Oh I know that she supports me 100 percent! " He actually giggled and blew a kiss " Hugs Sook."

Jason clicked off the TV, and sat for a moment with his head in his hands. Disaster! His life was over. The TV clicked back on all by itself. Another love note from Danni appeared. "_**Check your e-mail- Oh, you've been added to the to the site E_MALE as well XXXOOO!"**_

Jason accessed his e-mail. There were 500 messages from interested parties. The first message was from Claude, the owner of the strip joint.

"Can't date you myself sweetheart, we're a little too closely related for comfort," _Huh?_ "But, I have several friends who would _love_ to meet you! Congrats!"

The messages went on like that for pages and pages until Jason wanted to run screaming into the night.

Sookie, that was it! He'd go to Sookie! He'd tell her what really happened and she'd help him straighten things out. Her vamp boyfriend was a sheriff or some such shit. He couldn't stand Eric, and Eric couldn't stand him, but Sook just had to help him!

It was just after dark when he turned off of Hummingbird Road and onto Sookie's gravel driveway. He gave a knock and a holler, then marched in. Just his f'n luck. Eric was on the couch next to Sookie watching comedy central, roaring his ass off at some off color joke. They both turned when he marched in.

"Greetings Delilah! And congratulations on your bold decision to come forward… Pam made sure to record the interview for me…you looked most attractive in the wig and dress!" Eric smirked.

Sookie examined Jason as if he'd sprouted wings, "Jason what is going on? I'm all for gay rights but is this for _real_?"

Jason grabbed Sookie's shoulders. "You gotta believe me! It's not true. It isn't me. It's not my fault!"

Sookie raised her eyebrow, " OK Jason. I'm OK with your first three statements. It's the 'not my fault one that's got me worried. Now what the hell is going on!"

"OK. There's this girl called Danni, met her through S Harmony—wouldn't usually use a service, but I'm kind of new to the Supe world and I didn't want to date another panther—not a good idea- we got together, we had a good time for a few weeks, then it started to get weird…"

Jason braced himself. He could see from the look on Sook's face that she was going to get pretty snarky.

"You dumped her didn't you , just like you always do. But this one's an S-Harmony gal. That means two things ,that she wanted something long term, and that she's got ways to get back at you big time if you piss her off! So, what is she—Were? -- Not a vamp, or I guess I might know-- shifter?"

"Elf." Jason muttered.

Sookie shook her head.

Eric roared with laughter. "You screwed over an _elf?_ Dark or light?"

Jason looked stumped. " Well her skin's pretty light."

Sookie was shocked "Jason, you dated this girl and you don't even know what um, species, she is? And it has nothing to do with the color of her skin. Where does she live? What magic can she work? Well, I guess we know she can change shape all right, if that wasn't you on the interview. She can manipulate human technology as she wishes…"

"And red and blue sparks fly out of her fingertips when she's mad…She said I was screwed…" His reputation as a ladies man was getting kicked to the curb. He glanced from Sookie to Eric.

Eric shrugged. "Dark elf. They are very loyal if you stay on their good sides. It's their bad side you have to watch out for—they are vindictive, vicious enemies. Sookie is right. You are screwed unless you can appease her, _ if _she wants to be appeased. She might want to torment you for the rest of your mortal life," Eric concluded cheerfully.

Jason's shoulders slumped under the weight of Danni's vendetta ."So what do I do? I'm new to this supe shit…"

Sookie's couldn't hide a faint smile, " Have you actually tried calling her, talking to her, and apologizing for dumping her, as opposed to avoiding her and pissing her off even more?"

Eric shook his head, "The damage is already done. She a dark elf."

Sookie blue eyes sparkled with amusement. She was sure that the elf had picked up on Jason's Fae blood.

"Oh there's more to Jason than meets the eye. And she's female regardless of her species. She may be pissed off, but if Jason makes the right moves," she

fixed two stern blue eyes on Jason, "and if he's truly sorry and apologetic…as foolish as it seems …she might just forgive him. But wha ever happens, you better agree to her terms!"

After agreeing that he would humble himself and call Danni, Jason drove home. He was shocked to find a huge floral basket on his front steps. Maybe Danni had forgiven him? But maybe he should be sending flowers to Danni. He gotten girls flowers, he could play nice. His spirits drooped immediately when he read the card.

_"Dearest Jason:_

_"Extending our warmest congratulations upon your courageous public announcement! We know that your marvelous sister will prove supportive. The Supe community is not as accepting or understanding as the Vampire community in these matters. Please watch your back!_

_Fondest regards,_

_Russell Edginton & Bartlett Crowe_ "

This just had to stop! He'd heard Sook say that two of the of the head vamps from two states were a gay couple. He wondered what the Hotshot community would make of this, and how would he ever be able to pick up a woman in Merlotte's after all of this? He knew that Sookie was something of a celebrity in the Vamp community, but word was spreading like wildfire, and he had gained a healthy respect for and fear of Danni's ability to inflict pain where it hurt the most.

He reached for his cell phone. He hadn't put it there but, not surprisingly, Danni number was on speed dial.

She didn't pick up on the first try, or the second. Jason began to sweat. He could _not _go into work, a bar, hell even Wal-Mart with this hanging over his head! He would have to move to Alaska to get pussy again!

Jason tried again.

He got Danni's voice mail. "Danni, this is Jason…_please, please _pick up! I'm so sorry Baby. I hurt you. I'm not good at relationships…Crystal hurt me bad…"

There was a slight crackle, and there was Danni, leaning against his truck, looking incredibly sexy in a very short cobalt blue miniskirt and a minimal matching bustier.

A little smirk played about her full lips "Who's sorry now baby?"

Jason actually sank down on his knees. "I am baby. I'm sooo sorry." He was scrabbling for words, and the only thing that came to mind was some dumb ass lines from Happy Gilmore. Well, maybe she'd hadn't seen the movie.

"I was wrong, you were right. I'm dumb, you're smart…and…" Finally something surfaced! "…I suck at relationships, and you want more than I'm worth. So, my S-Harmony profile should really read, I love sports, I have no moral beliefs to speak of, I'm not great at communicating, and my mind is probably my worst attribute,"

He looked up at Danni, his adorable baby blues pleading with her, "But I _am_ frugal and affectionate!"

Danni stared down at Jason, trying not to smile. The bad thing! He was just too cute—dumb too, but mostly cute! She knew a little more about him than he did about himself. That Fae blood made him one of the most adventurous and attractive lovers she had ever had. She hadn't had so much fun in the sack in at least a century. She's could deal with the dumb-ass stuff as long as he could toe the line and be faithful—and she was pretty sure she'd scared him into the faithful mode.

"OK Jason here's the deal. I want a real relationship, not just sex, though that's real high on my list. You hurt me! You don't fuck with and elf and then fuck her over! Ever! I know Crystal's a lying whore—but that's just what you've been acting like yourself—You better straighten up in all respects or you'll just have to get a job pole dancing at Claude's place!"

Jason was on his knees hugging Danni 's legs. While he was there, he couldn't resist darting his tongue into her belly button and kissing her firm, smooth stomach.

"So does that mean,"_ kiss, lick_.

"That I'm," _kiss, kiss_, "forgiven?"

Danni grabbed his hair teasingly and pulled him to his feet.

"No baby, what this means is you're on parole. "

Her lips brushed his as she purred. "And you better be real, REAL good to me to get a pardon…" She arched her hips against him as Jason cupped her firm, little bottom.

He was definitely in his element now.

"I'll start making it up to you right now. I promise Danni… but will you get me out of this mess..._please_?"

Danni was unbuttoning Jason's shirt and planting feathery kisses on his muscular chest.

She started tugging him into the house, "

"You have got to demonstrate to Officer Danni that you've changed your ways. You're not the first guy to be punked by his girlfriend—the Supes will get it—and, eventually, someone will discover that a computer glitch switched data. A little magic goes a long way where humans are concerned…"

The petite dark elf, smiled wickedly, "But you've got some making up to do right now. Parole first, then pardon!"

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_**So what do you think--did Jason get what he deserved ? In what creative ways would you (or have you) punished a cheating boyfriend or girlfriend ?**_

_**Thanks in advance for the review : )  
**_


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